Chris: Well, Brian….Australians are too fat and lazy to get out of bed at 3am which is when we start work so we need these people from overseas with temporary work visas.

Brian: They’re classified as skilled visas, aren’t they?

Henry: Yes, Brian…indeed they are. It requires a level of skill to ride a horse, Brian. Not as easy as it looks. And even those staff working on the ground need a level of skill to skilfully handle these very temperamental animals who are well skilled in kicking and biting, Brian. Not to mention, Brian, a certain level of ambulatory dexterity to avoid the excreta which hides itself in the bedding.

Brian: Nice! But this week you said this about stable staff – “sometimes you’re probably not dealing with the brightest sparks in the shed”. Doesn’t imply a great level of skill.

Henry: I can’t recollect saying that, Brian.

Brian: It’s on podcast, Henry.

Henry: Oh, Brian…they can dub those things these days; they can have you saying anything they choose. And I hasten to add, If I were to have said something along those lines – not that I can recollect it – I was probably referring to the unsatisfactory lighting in the stables precinct at Caulfield.

Or I may have been referring to the horses themselves, Brian. Not terribly bright..horses, you know, Brian. Daft as sheep which Chris knows all about, Brian. Who’s in the shed, Brian? Shed being stables. The horses, Brian. Hence, not the brightest sparks in the shed.

Brian: So why do you train them?

Henry: Well, Brian…because they’re dumb they require training. They’re flight animals, Brian. Not they can actually fly but they’d just as soon run away as do anything else.

Brian: So, why do you persevere?

Henry: Well, Brian…they can be quite affectionate (apart from the ones who kick and bite). And they do have their own personalities. And women like them and that’s a very good thing. Pays, I’ve learned, to like what women like, Brian. That is if you like women.

And besides, Brian, the ones who can run fast can make us a good deal of money. And they obligingly do this, Brian, in return for board and lodgings. And they’ll run early in the morning or even late at night sometimes, at a place called Moonee Valley. And they do so without complaint. Unlike the people, Brian.

And we groom them, Brian. Have them looking very nice which pleases those women who like them, Brian.

Brian: So what do you make of all this, Chris.

Chris: Brian, I think we need to start work later.

Brian: Chris, this week you wrote in an open letter to the industry: ‘How do you expect a strapper to get seven or eight hours sleep when they have to get up at 3am?’

Are you from New Zealand, Chris? The answer is pretty simple, they’d go to bed at either 7 or 8pm, Chris.

Chris: I didn’t come here to be ridiculed, Brian. I’m only here because my new media manager Su-Elllen told me I had to. And nobody wants to go to bed at that time, Brian.

Brian: So, why don’t you just change it?

Chris: Because in racing, Brian, nobody ever gets around to changing anything.

Brian: Can’t you go to the minister?

Chris: There is no minister for racing, Brian. Not federally.

Brian: Perhaps the minister for roads or bridges could handle it?

Chris: Capital idea, Brian. You know we’re racing over the harbour bridge soon. I’ll get on to him.

Brian: What about the former NSW premier Barry O’Farrell? Doesn’t he work in racing?

Chris: True Brian, he does although I’m not sure he’s ever actually been to the races. But, come to think of it, he probably has driven over the Harbour bridge.

Brian: A final word from you, Henry.

Henry: Racing over the Harbour Bridge? Not sure that’s an idea that came from one of the brightest sparks in the shed.

Brian: Thank you gentlemen.

TODAY’S RACING: The VOBIS Gold raceday at Caulfield today with fantastic prize money on offer. The set weights conditions of several of the races certainly favour the better performed horses but the markets tend to well and truly reflect that.  

The first, and most obvious, is Burning Front (Primus) who’s picked up around $320,000 in these VOBIS races. However, he’ll be long odds-on so probably not a great betting proposition for the impecunious, like me.

So in the search for a couple of each way bets at reasonable odds; I fancy Elite Tiger (Hold That Tiger) (race two), Khutulun (Soldier’s Tale) (race four) and Miss Promiscuity (Magnus) (race eight).